Stability. The word itself triggers a dreamy smile and a sigh. The word itself implies success, consistency, reliability, all those fancy words I want to introduce in my life. But unfortunately, they don’t sell stability in the shops. It is something you have to build from scratch, like a business. And god only knows how good I am at building anything that lasts. So many ideas end up hidden away in the back of a drawer, so many projects fall through before they even reach the light of day. And what do I do? I build upon all these unfinished thoughts, relentlessly piling on top, searching my brain for the brilliant idea that will shine through.
Rome wasn’t build in a day and yes, patience is a virtue but sometimes, I tire of waiting. I want it all now. I want stability in my life. I want one job, not three. I want a regular salary, not a sporadic one. Past me must be laughing right now, because past me wanted flexibility. But as it turns out, you grow up and realise that flexibility is most likely to lead to instability and that might be fine if you can deal with it. But I have to admit that I’m finding it hard to juggle between writing articles and editing images, designing flats and drawing electrical diagrams, working the odd shift in Gatwick, selling perfumes and standing behind a till… So much time spent doing what I am “supposed” to do to pay rent, because allegedly, writing is not a secure career.
Now present me is laughing; I call myself a writer and yet, I am complaining about the lack of stability. Duh? Maybe the key isn’t to build stability from scratch but rather come to terms with the instability, embrace it, tame it, mould it. How does one do that? When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.